Well, I really don’t know where to start with all of these emotions that overflowing through me. One part is closure and the other part is sadness and defeat.
Never in my life have I felt like such a fool. I fell too hard and too fast and where did it get me? Nowhere really. 3 days had passed before I heard anything from him. And now I got my answer. I asked him a few questions and with him being evasive it’s just like my friend said “He clearly isn’t seeing you for the future” Yes I told her what we discussed. She is the one person I know that I can turn to in a situation like this. She’s been there and done it. She sincerely knows my pain inside and with her advice I will go with it and let him go.
Quote unquote from my friend “I think you should stay single for a while...can't be happy with anyone else if you aren't happy with yourself”. How true her words can be even though it hurts like hell; I know she is right.
Feeling like a major fool I almost wish I had never gone on that date with him. I would never have seen him again and kissed him, and made love to him. Made love to him in my definition; but to him I truly think that he saw me as a free piece of ass. It hurts so much to know that what my friend has told me was true and that’s that I was looking for someone to love me, and I was clinging onto whoever came along.
I wish someone could show me the way to love without stumbling in the dark, step by step without falling head first when someone touches me where I have never been touched. Without trying to make reasons and feeling I am unworthy of anything that enters my life. I feel like I have been nothing but used by men so far in my life, ending with burning eyes as the tears sting my flesh like a thousand knives stabbing my heart. Yes he said he feels bad; but I want him to feel like shit. It was what it was and it is what it is: nothing. Why does everything in life always feel like your taking one step forward and two steps back?
I was blind to what was right in front of me and played on my own emotions and saw things that weren’t there at all. I feel like the only reason he continued to see me was because he knew he could get to me. Without caring how he pulled on my heart strings he still did what he did and laid the compliments on me, and like a dumbass I fell for them. Even as long as I was married, my husband never complimented me and I never felt deep emotions for him like I did with Steve. Why why *why* do I feel so dirty inside? And he wants to be friends?? No way in hell can I put myself through that. Never again.
I know without a doubt that if I had never have sent him that email we would still be seeing each other and would still feel like I was first, instead of feeling so second place now.
I felt like things were beginning to look up for me, and now where am I? Back where I started; feeling worthless, ugly, and like a piece of meat. Glynnis is right I have no optimism when it comes to me, but I have lots for others. Everybody is looking for a reason to find love, but me. I can never find enough from anyone to fill me up. I am always too busy running away from the pain inside.
I guess this a lesson well learned, eh?