I'm tired of thinking, and thinking of words, always trying to figure out the best way to say things without hurting people. Trying to stay balanced. I guess sometimes things just can't be helped can they? A person is going to hurt no matter what. It's almost impossible to prevent hurt from happening and springing up on you when you least expect it. It's going to happen, no matter how much you try to protect and coddle yourself from past hurts. You can't be protected for too long.
I guess you have to hurt in order to to heal and learn to be strong hunh? Well, that's just the beginning of my problems. Hurt has the opposite effect on me. It makes me weak and I wonder too much about "what if's" and "maybe's" until I become so depressed all I do is end up closing myself off to everyone and anything. I don't want to be hurt, touched by the flame of words raining down on my heart like a thousand needles waiting to prick the skin and rip me open. I've been there once too often. I won't dare to tread back on those heafty barriers.
2 years ago I was at my worst - before I even found out that I'm a manic depressant, before I found out that I was bipolar, and so much more. I tried suicide- once, twice, three times maybe- and failed miserably at each attempt. I wanted away, but the away I wanted wasn't at all what I expected it to be. Chains bound me to my past, and I was neglecting myself and my future - I somehow managed to continue to punish myself for everything. I never blamed anyone for anything. I was at that point of being lost and believing that whatever came my way, or happened was because I deserved it. I believed for years that it was all my own fault for being molested, and raped. I figured I had done something to provoke it, and I held onto that just until a few months ago. Looking back on things that happened over 10 years ago- it seems like I'm looking in on yesterday. Strange how I can remember what I want, and purposely block out what I don't want to remember.
I don't even know where to start this-
I'm feeling guilty, empty, confused; I'm just one huge over-emotional tornado.
When I read your entry on Saturday I automatically assumed it was directed to me. Of course I read it after I read your little quote next to my name. "Yesterday" - the word keeps pounding on my heart until I feel an empty bottomless explosion opening up in my stomach, and then I feel queasy and weak.
I'm not here to make you feel guilty, or feel like anything. I just need to talk. and talking to you is something I haven't done, and have put off for quite some time now.
I know deep down inside I've done something, and that something has hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you, ever. Hurting you was the furthest thing from my mind. I know I haven't taken the time to write you, or leave you messages. It's not that I couldn't- I just felt that with the everything I was writing to you in my other diary- I thought that it was sufficient enough, until I got my internet back; plus I was giving you some space. Not the space that pushes you away- just that little blanket of something so you wouldn't feel like I was trying to push my emotions on you, making you feel like you should "feel" more towards me.
I know in a few entries I complained about you being distant, and I know now that you weren't. I knew then too, but I played on my own emotions and I wanted you to tell me something about nothing; anything.
Just a Hello would have been enough. I was worried and scared. I didn't know how you were doing- I was holding onto hope that you were doing well. I didn't know. I didn't understand then, what I do now. Never once did I try to put myself in your place, ever. Not until recently when inside I began to feel too much. We are both so far from being perfect, but then you're perfect just the way you are. I don't know what I did, or said to hurt you, or to push you away. I never dreamt in a hundred years that I would put you in that situation.
I can only hope and pray that you can find the room inside of your heart to forgive me for all my wrongs. and words I placed on you. Sure, I put you on a pedastal- but not so much to make you feel inferior.
I connected with the words I wrote to, and about, you. I began to feel peace and warmth inside again, after I moved here.
Was my reverant words too much, or was my patience wearing you thing? God, I'm so sorry. I just feel awful inside.
This isn't even about me. It never has been. Everything I do or say is about you. It's always been about you. I love you. Believe it, feel it and capture it behind the door you have closed off to me. I'm the last person to ask for forgiveness - I've done wrongs, plenty of them. But where did I wrong you?
I don't want to live in Yesterday Jessie. Yesterday there was tears, pain, hurt, scars - so much sorrow. And yesterday there was you... but you didn't carry me through yesterday. You carried me through today, to tomorrow.
Life is a mixture of fate, and finding you has filled so many voids inside of me. The link that was once broken interlocked with you. We connected.. we still do. You're the link that I've been searching for, waiting for even. I can't go back and think about "what if's" and "maybe's" anymore. I won't. I can't. That's the old me.
With you I was able to capture myself in the past and came forward and faced my fears. I confronted them along with the demons and the ghosts of my forgotten memories.
You may not believe that you helped me, you may not want to hear how I hold you so close to me, that that was the only way I could move, that was the only way I did confront my past. But the simple fact is that it's true. Your memory and words inside of me kept me safe from my own fears, and I held on and kept holding on until I came out on the other side of my shadows. You're the optimist, and as such your words became the threshold of my existance.
Until you came to me and told me the precious things you did. I never shared those words with anyone but myself.
After moving here I fell back to where I was before, never being done intentionally. It was like a contagious bacteria working through me, eating at me until I was so weak I just wanted to give up. I wanted to be that inspirational something - that added supplement to you so you would come back and tell me that everything was going to be okay. But, when you did- I never expected to read the words I read Saturday.
When I signed in here I saw your name amongst the list of other readers that updated with a quote by my name. I was happy, my heart was dancing so to speak. I didn't even think of the others- you were the only person on my mind; you always have been. and, then I read the words you wrote by my name- I was confused and yet still blown away. So I left you a silly note, and then I read your entry. And I read it, and I read it, and I read it. Until the words finally started clicking inside of my brain; I realized your entry was about me.
Then when the realization collided with my heart I realized I was farther away from you than I have ever felt before.
I'm not torn. I wasn't before. And I sure as hell wasn't forced to give up on the person I care about the most- you. I wanted to and still do want to learn about you, your family, your likes and dislikes. I wanted to share everything as much as possible with you.
So I tried to do just that, evident enough knowing you had a busy schedule to keep, and your busy life. I wanted to continue to encourage you to dream; like myself. But maybe everything I said was wrong. Maybe it was just me, or maybe, just maybe I realized everything too late. And when I thought I was moving closer to you- I was actually pushing you away (??) I'll possibly never know the answer now.
Was I holding on too tight? Or was I not holding on tight enough? All of those things were flooding my mind as I sat there in the library, I was exposed as my eyes filled with a wetness while I refused to admit my heart was colliding with that tornado of fears. I cried. But I was always told that crying made you weak, so I pulled myself together long enough to leave a short entry here and there. And then I left to go sit in my van. After I sat there a while I collapsed inside, laying my hands and head on the steering wheel as I cried, until I thought I had cried myself out. I was thinking, no telling myself that the well of tears I cried was dried up. But I was wrong.
I went to my place of work, and cried on my boss' shoulder.
I don't care that Ben was there, and I didn't care if he saw. I just cried and held onto her for life. I wanted to be held and be told that everything would be okay. And she did exactly that- but no matter what she said, nothing she did could comfort me because I knew I'd lost you to yesterday.
Why? How? I just.. don't understand.
Everything you said.. you completed me. Everything was right. Where did I go wrong? I never meant to put any pressure on you, at all.
With others I opened myself up and felt what was there too. And they left as quickly as they came as well. We have been there and have felt the aftermath of the storm of emotions left in our wake after the storms have passed. I never wanted to lose you, ever. But, I guess behind that crystal wall of foreverness I lost you to other things anyway. I'm sorry I pushed you. I'll never love another as much as I love you. You were the first, and you'll be the last. No one will ever be able to get as close to my heart and feelings the way you did. I'm sorry I couldn't be.
I'll always love you. Forever always. You may stay hidden behind whatever barrier you have placed between us, but I'll always be here. Friends are hard to find, but love is even harder to replace. Things between us can never change that.
Thank you for teaching me how to heal, to love and to feel. But now I NEVER want to feel any of those things again. You were it for me. And now things are out of control, and I'm afraid I can't control myself any longer.
Don't you understand it was never you. It was me. It will always be me, because I'm weak and I'm vulnerable. I'm sorry that I couldn't be your perfect everything. I'm even sorrier you felt that you couldn't be my perfect everything- the matter of teh fact is you were perfect to me. You always will be. You're Jessie, and no one can replace you. Ever.
This isn't some facade, I'm not playing games on your heart and emotions. I don't play with people's emotions. You know that. Everything that I have become, everything that I am now is and was because of you. Don't you see? It's you.. it's always been you.
I was afraid to admit things, afraid to commit to those feelings, I was scared -- completely. I don't suppose you'll ever understand. I told you before that I was afraid of the emotions that were washing over me; all of those wild thoughts. I wanted to run away. I didn't want to feel anymore. I always ended up being hurt.
But the more I pushed myself to run, the more I began to "feel". And when those emotions came over me I welcomed them. I didn't care if I wasn't being normal. Pictures and scenes filled my mind with the obvious, but still I dreamed and I chose you. I waited for you. And, I'll continue to wait if that's what it's going to take.
I've yeilded less and open up to others. But, with you- I have opened myself up completely. Would it be different if I lied and told you I didn't care and told you that everything I told you was a farse? That I made things up and pretended to feel? Well, I can't. I never lied to you. I never had a reason to. How can a person lie when they are in love?
I'm as spineless as spider and just as harmless. I could force myself to be mad, but why? What would it benefit me? I'm not a hateful person.
I have no reasons, no excuses. I guess that maybe everything I said was inconvenient. I hope no one else screws you like I did.
I still have my dreams I suppose. But dreams are useless when I know you aren't inside of them. I don't have your permission to dream such things now.
How much more can a person hurt? I didn't think I could hurt anymore. Thinking that my old scars were tougher than the thin layer of skin covering my heart. Guiless is what I am.. but I am also me. The person you loved. I'm not leaving. So, tell me what you want me to do. All of the words, memories are filling my mind, and are scraping my heart like broken shards of glass I want to breath, to be able to open up and scream, to run away and hide even. But I can't. This feeling of being pulled inside of this crazy whirlwind of emotions- everything is out of control. And it hurts. And yet it still amazes me how you're able to dance upon the air while the images of you form into tears and fall on my pillow. And even still, everything I do, circles back to you. Loving you was the greatest gift God put in my path. I learned, I travled, even journeyed into your soul- for what little time I was allowed. I may be broken, but I won't be forgotten.