I feel my heart turning inside out as I try to exhale.
I so wanted to finish up my update for all of you so you could have a wonderful laugh. But since then I have read two diaries tonight. These are stories about the lives of two individuals Vicki and Stephanie.Two different people going through so much; and yet so alone. Still, their lives and their stories are unique; they are young people at a turning point in their struggle with life, love, loyalty, and heartache.
Sitting here I am reflecting on the words of two lost souls, searching for something; anything to bring this painful aching that is lurching through my soul to and end, as my heart bleeds and I wish I could reach out and touch them both.
You two were made one of a kind. You’re like a form of art that a collector would like to have- the original artwork; that they become so terribly fond of. There are only substitutes and never a replacement for your love. Or misplaced and lost emotions. Everyday hurts more than the day before without your unknown efforts of trying harder to better things for yourselves. How can the pain ever go away until one of us is ever complete?
After reading stories from women all over I realize how much we suffer, and how we each all suffer alone. And silently we band together in the night hoping that it will ease our own pain and not end up feeling like we are more alone. And we think to ourselves why is this happening to us? We don’t deserve this. And in the end we feel even more alone. We eventually put up walls so people can’t “get inside” of us, our own fear of not wanting to hurt; or be hurt anymore. We put up these barriers along our hearts cavity to protect ourselves, but somewhere in the process we become isolated in our own sadness until we find a better way to reach ourselves and find our own inner strength.
I’m not one to brag or criticize and I hardly ever do of others – but I... I just have this weird way of feeling other people’s pains inside, and when I do my heart seeps with sadness as I wish I could just reach out to hold them and take their pain away. Even if it was just long enough to see a smile radiate on another persons face; letting me know that I was able to help in some way, or another. I am so far from perfect of helping others and I know I never have the right words to say- I think that just my listening to them release their burdens is such a great effort to let some one do; instead of idly sitting back reading, silently watching this other unknown individual go through so much without even offering so much as a shoulder to lean on.
As I slowly read Vicki’s life unwind in her diary I felt so much sympathy bleeding from within that I just wanted to take away all of the madness of her disease and her sorrow as she finds the strength within her own willingness to fight harder everyday for a brand new day of some new beginning in her life. She is one person struggling so hard to make an effort in something, but she can’t. She is bed bound for only God knows how long, and still He gives her just enough energy to do what she must to make it from one day to the next. I will never know the pain she feels when she tries to breathe or type the least infinitesimal entry; something that takes her all day to do. I marvel at her ability to be able to do things she finds so difficult to do, and love how she praises herself in her efforts. Even as weak as her body is, I can tell that her heart is the strongest part of her being that keeps her motivated to go on. I wish I had her mobility to move on in my life without crying I have been a circumstance of this or that. Glory be to the little ones in life that can graciously accept things in life what they are instead of bitching and complaining how they have nothing.
Maybe if we were all a little more like Vicki people would have a little more compassion and understanding of others instead of being so crude as to just readily judge someone without taking the effort out of their own precious day to try and be considerate and thoughtful of how much their words can cut and bruise someone.
And then there is Steph. A beautiful person who lost herself in the process of living in a hellhound life with someone else that she thought she could trust and love. I can truly sit here and say I know her pain and heartache. I have been through the same instances in my life as her. As I read her words it was like watching my life unfold before my very eyes, through another person’s words. She captivatingly attracts you and draws you in for more. You can’t help but wonder how she has made it this far. She is neither looking for sympathy but she is devoutly bound to love and wants to be recognized as a person instead a floor mat that she has been created into by a cruel heartless asshole in her life. I slowly saw her life fall to pieces in her silent admissions as she described her pain, heartache and the stinging of her tears as they fell in her words;
biting the very core of her existence. It was then that I felt my heart fall onto the floor in a million shattered pieces of delicate glass as I felt the true horror oh her life cut her insides like a thousand shards of sharp glass edgings carve out her heart and leave her lying there bleeding for some reason to live, as the blood flowing from her veins started to cease all meaning of existence inside of her soul.
The character of this person leaves you spellbound as you marvel at her ability to move on and hold her head up and she takes her steps into the indefinite unfamiliarity of “what ifs” and “maybes”. What she has managed to hold onto inside of herself amazes even me. If I could have done what she has been able to so I may not be where I am now. I could have done something better; more creative with me instead of being such a codependent of lies and mistrust.
When I read her diary she reminds me of a song sung by Janis Joplin:
I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby,
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah.
Hey! Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.
You know you got it if it makes you feel good”
Never had I realized how grateful I should consider the little things I have in my life.
This is to Vicki and Stephanie:
Always remember that you ARE beautiful and God created you in the beauty that you seek right here right now in this very moment. You may not like the person you see on the outside- that image of the little girl hurting- but on the inside it’s everything that counts. You have a soul just as spellbinding in your own essence as anyone else you admire. Remember that. And when you do you will always wear a smile on your radiant face.