I was so surprised to get a reply from you. I cried actually, lol You know me and how I am- I always get so emotional over the little things. And heh on Jerry - lol poor dumb fool- muahahaa- I am so mean but he did me wrong- the bastard. I'm sorry that things ended badly between him and your Todd. Todd was always great to him and went way out of his way to let him back into his life and work place. Too bad Jerry is such a loser that he couldn't see things in their right perspective.
Anyways, I have a few things I wanted to tell you since we are emailing each other. Ok? I hope that's alright with you? I guess if it isn't it's too late now, lol Cuz I'm gonna tell you anyway.
One. Yes I can see how much I have changed in the past year- mostly good and some bad. The good things always evolved inside of me because of you and you're strength to always be there for me. Never did I know how much I took things for granted until afterwards. But I guess hindsight is always a given. I understand everything you said about our friendship not moving on- because even though I didn't see it then I do now. I relied on you way too much for comfort and for praise without seeing things inside of myself on my own. I understand all of the reasons behind your actions now.. and I have never ever been angry towards you. Not then, not now, nor will I ever.
I have always held onto the words in your last email to me- "Maybe after you get your life straightened out we can be friends again. It will never be what it was; but who's to say that it can't be better?" Your words alone are what made me stronger and strive to be better.
But as you know sometimes no matter how hard you try- somethings still don't turn out the way you expect them to be. But that never stopped me- I still hang in there everyday and strive to do better when each passing moment. Thank you for doing what you did so I could see that I actually do have the ability to be able to do things on my own without having to run to others for safety. Also, I was happy to know that you have never had any bad feelings towards me. That was the part that made me cry, actually. I was always so afraid that was the cause of our lost friendship.
Even though it hurt you as much as it hurt me- you had to do what you had to. My misguided heart as learned how to be guarded and not listen to misconceptions anymore. In such a short 6 months I have learned so much about myself and how much I really can make it through things on my own without caving in to broken dreams and past memories. I have finally let go of the past. I am sure that pleases you emmensly. And look; I did it all on my own. No therapy, no medication, no nothing. Just me all by myself.
One day I sat down and thought to myself "How in the hell am I ever going to get anywhere if I don't confront my fears and let go of the past?" Those things were hindering me and making me feel like a failure. So for 3 days straight I confronted all of them- even as far as my father. I wrote him a letter [he will never see it- but I wrote it anyway] and told him of all of the emotions and strained feelings I have carried for all of these years and let him know just how much I began to destroy myself inside because I was allowing his past to control me- instead of me controlling it.
As hard as it is for me to share so much of the past 6 months with you I still want to. I want you to be able to see how I bounced back and made something of myself. I'm going to post the letter in here that I wrote to him ok? ::::
Dad,
I have gone through my whole life being emotionally scarred from the things that you did to me. From the sexual abuse down to the photos; you have hurt me more than you could have ever loved me.
For years I have toyed with the idea of killing myself and that is your entire fault. How could you say you love a child and then rape them of their innocence? Did you not ever think of the damage you were causing while you were fulfilling your nasty fantasies? I blamed myself for years for the things you did, saying it was my own entire fault. I figured it was the way I dressed, or possibly because I was such a little tom boy then. Never once did I put it in the category it belonged in; your sick, mindless behavior. People still say to this day that some people can’t help their child stalking behaviors. I tend to disagree.
All of my life I have been a victim of circumstance. I’m tired of carrying your scars with me everywhere I go. I had left you behind a long time ago and somehow you managed to slither back into my life and destroy everything I had.
Because of you I have failed as a daughter, a mother, a wife, and a friend; fleeing into the arms of others to feel accepted. That’s not how life is supposed to be!
Why did you do the things you did to me? Was their a goal you had set forth for yourself in destroying my life?
Well, it almost worked. But you failed. I have managed to bounce back and become the person I can remember from years before. The person that I know is loved and respected. Not pitied because of the shame you placed on me. I don’t have to face the struggle of seeing your piercing eyes shutting me out of life anymore. People have helped me become a stronger person in allowing me to break free from my shell. The one you held me captive in for years. If it wasn’t for them I would still be shackled and hell bound.
I’m glad I’m letting you go. You never should have had that right to linger over me in the first place. I hate you and I don’t hate many people. You don’t deserve to even be known as any part of the existence that created me.
It's time to close the curtain on the stage of the drama you have created in my life and walk off stage.
I salute myself and condemn you to hell. You were merely lyrics written for a play that has droned out into a tireless mass of nothing. I am stronger than your memory. You can no longer have the existence over me that you had. I am moving on. And you are forgotten. ::::
I held onto your email for like a month because I always went back and looked at all of the things you told me so I could find ways of bettering myself where I was making mistakes. Thank you for that. I know it may sound like bullshit, or maybe not.
I don't know how you feel reading all of this- but you still helped me after the fact too. Everytime I re-read your email to me I made points on reflecting on the things you pointed out to me- i.e: the internet, being a better mom, being a better me, making something better of my life, saying goodbye to all of the bad, instead of turning everything into a pity pool. Stop putting of all of my problems onto others and take care of them myself verse pretending like I was nothing and feeling like I was unworthy of everything. I realized the hard way, but good way, that I am a good person and I am worthy of a lot of things in my life.
After having done all of that I finally deleted your email and moved on. But never forgetting you. Yes it did hurt a lot seeing you sometimes because I felt like you hated me for some reason, or other. The girls always wanted to say hello to you at the courthouse. So, I let them. I never let our loss of being friends turn other things into something bad. Their eyes always danced when they saw you.
Heather would always come to me and say "Mommy! Andi said Hi to me!!" Or that you waved at her, and any other small thing you would do when she saw you. Thank you.
You may not believe me when I tell you that I still hold a lot of gratification towards you, but I do. I always have and I always will.
I know that I had placed you on a pedestal and that was wrong; but to me you were everything. You helped me with so much. And I never once said thank you. How rude and cruel of me to take advantage of you that way. Putting you on a pedestal was a mistake on my part because I never did anything on my own to complete a task alone- I always leaned in your direction of approval. I now know that placing people in a certain category causes friction and makes things apprehensive in relationships. I'm sorry for doing that to you.
Funny how you can never see the connection when you are blinded by emotions or other things surrounding you in life making you afriad instead of stronger. I know now that our friendship could have been something beautiful instead of something cold and meaningless on my part. Never was that the case on your part or efforts. You always went beyond the call of duty. I knew as time passed that everytime you did something wonderful for me I felt like I needed more and that was totally and completely wrong.
Now when I look in the mirror I don't see that "Miss I'm So Afraid" and everything is clearer to me and I know that I can be something better. For my kids, and for myself.
I have also met someone. He's a wonderful person and treats me so well. I am so not used to his compliments. How beautiful love can truly be. I'm so glad that I can finally see. I'm really happy for the first time in my life. Without having fears or doubts I have someone in my life that adores me for me and not by the things I can give them ... i.e: Jerry. It took me a long time to see that someone can love me. But all in the same process I am glad that I can see so much more about myself now.
Sometimes I still have moments of depression but it doesn't get to me like it used to. So, that's a good thing right? I managed to pull myself out of my depression on my own. I took myself off of my medication and healed on my own. Hardly ever reflecting on the past anymore. Usually if I do think about the past its when I miss you- you're laugh, you're smile and all of the fun and crazy things we did together. You really taught me a lot about myself Andi. And words could never say thank you enough. A long time ago I wrote you something and saved it. But I could never have the heart to send it to you. I was afraid I would end up jaded. I hope you can truly see how much you meant to me and how much you helped past, present and maybe in the future.
And with that all said I must bid you adieu. I will always remember you and the effects you have placed within my life. I will never forget you.
Much love,
Chrissy.
P.s. I would love to continue to write you through emails... if that's alright with you. It's your call sweets. I don't want you to feel like you are obligated to anything. Everything must come to something, somewhere in time. I hope that things with you and Toddster are going well. I have always wished you the best, and I hope you know that. I hope you two are together for a really long time. He really makes you happy.. and I knew that a long time ago. To see you happy is the best feeling ever. Good luck to you as well with everything. Maybe someday down the road we could get together and catch up on things. Love you lots. Always...