I still have that lingering feeling of being alone, singled-out in my own solitude.
I desperately try to replace all of my emotions inside by surrounding myself with my children. But, I realized today that my patience is losing its grip on my insides as my thoughts rip through me like a tidal wave, and I once again find my shadow lingering in the sand as the waters' edge washes away the lines that form who I am and make me the part of the existance that I am.
Being "here" never have I felt so alone and abandoned before. I know that I found a lot of condolsence in almost all of you; and now that there is this undefined line of speration between us through the internet world. I never really fully understood the concept of my co-dependancy of relying on others to create my happiness.
Is it time for me to play on a new role of finding better guidance for myself and let you all go, to live your own lives without my existance in it?
My brain tells me 'yes' but my heart tells me 'no'. I'm so confused I just don't know what to do.
I thought so much on the term of "taking a break" from the internet, this place, and you. But I realized that I am not alone in these thoughts.
So what exactly is it about me that draws you to me? I'm not as "popular" as most of the people in your internet life, even thought I secretly wish life on the internet wasn't so complicated.
Even still, I am at such a place where there is peace within myslef knowing that its mush easier to open up and express myself to you on here; rather than I ever could face-to-face. It's easier for me to pass my words onto a screen, knowing that no matter what I do or say; I never have to see your look of disappointment when I do say or do the wrong thing. I will never have to see that look of sadness lurking in your eyes - until the shine in them turn to something dull.
I won't ever have to see if your eyes swell with tears knowing if the trickles flowing down your cheeks are because of me, or if I said the wrong thing. I will never be able to have that opportunity to hold you close to my heart and offer you hugs when you need them the most...
Even passed all of those things, I still want you to know that you have instilled in me that I can be anything I want to be. And, I do try damn hard to be something - anythng. It just seems like I'm always taking one step forward and two steps back.. I begin to feel meaningless again, and I search deep within the crevices of my once broken scarred heart to seek the answers to the questions that I ask myself everyday. But, no matter how hard you try to find the answers to the unknown the truth will always be there, staring you blankly in the face until you can begin to recognize it.
You're always going to go through what you're meant to go through. It's not all going to be rosy beautiful orchards along the way. We make choices for reasons we think are good. And we have great intentions at the beginning and they don't turn out right in the end at it hurts and its wrong and you stumble and fall.
But you don't ever have to regret doing anything.
I feel really good about the way I have handled certain situations. It's all about being a good person, about living your life in a certain way that you feel respectful of yourself or you have a certain peace about you.
So no matter what happens - whether you heal or feel forever scarred, if someone enters your life and leaves you with a big impression or if a person is just passing you by- even if all of this goes away you can still feel okay with who you are.
I truly believe that I have that 'Solitude', the beauty and the vulnerability of the human body. The power of natural cycles, and the enigmatic imprint of family destiny....
...but my dead-tired body removes its masked and greying dreamless head away from my pillow and snuggles closer, pressing my body against the length of my bed, gently shifting the pillow - and pushing it against my nose, my mouth, repeating in an ardent whisper I love you, I love you...
The murder of myself would be utterly painless...
and then I broken from my reverie of children squabbling ove meaningless minut things and I realize that all of this is mine and force myself back into reality and smile.