I talked about past feelings- things that have been holding me back for like the longest time. Sometimes it feels like an eternity.
I’ve been hurting pretty badly the last couple of days. Wishing on this and wishing that the things that have taken place in my life never happened. I sat down today for a long time- like hours upon empty hours thinking about the reasons why I am the way I am, and I blame myself then I blame the people who made me the creation of what I currently am.
It’s not just a typical situation and there’s not many more chances of me trying to sort through things when I feel as low as I do right now. But does it really matter? No one will ever understand what I’m feeling inside and wonder why I no longer wish for dreams to come true.
I’m falling; and falling hard and fast. I looked at a bottle of stacker 2 pills today and remembered what I put myself through a couple of years ago because of this [person]. She always knows how to get inside of me and eat away at everything I wish for that could bring me happiness. The one person whom I used to look up to as a mother figure in my life had brought down the walls inside of me was creating a distant land of skeletons. Now those skeletons linger in the back of my mind falling at my feet, losing my wanting for things to be better. I hope she’s happy knowing that she’s succeeding in killing me.
Is this real, or am I dreaming? Each moment the more she crushes me its crazy that I’m thinking I’m thinking that the world is no longer round and I’m falling upside down.
I’ve been meaning to tell you everything I have been feeling deep inside each moment the more I fall, but things inside of mind freeze and bring my emotions to a halt like autumn leaves lost in time, blowing in the wind.
I don’t want to be anything that people think of me anymore. If I could be wasting my time with something else I would do so. But, have you ever hurt so bad that you wish you could cut out all of the emotions inside of you - the things that make you feel dead inside? Cutting a hole inside of your stomach and leave all of the pain that’s been lingering there for so long, to leave it exposed like it’s already been making me feel. Her words cut like a piece of glass piercing my heart, leaving me unlocked to another slash of the heart... I’m tired of walking around on pins and needles all of the time.
I sit back and think on a continuous basis if I were gone just how many people would miss me. Or would they celebrate my nonexistence?
Some things we just cannot change.
There’s a storm raging inside of me and if I don’t get out soon I don’t know what I will do.
Maybe I really do want that special someone to hold me so I don’t fall again. I don’t want to be there at that place in my life again. I’m scared of myself.
I’m already hurt, bruised, scarred and damaged. Why don’t I just do myself in so I don’t have pour salt on another open wound?
Where are you going with the long face pulling down? Are you going hide away like an ocean? Like the sea and the sound of the waves coming down?
but you can't see and I am no superman and I have no answers for you...where are going?
* help me*
I want to rest with someone until there are brighter days where there are answers under the stars...