I just have to write and get everything out that is brothering me. If I don’t I will let eat me up until I break down crying or end up being depressed. It’s the only way I know how to restore my soul.
I was talking to my sweet little Meah last night. It seems like I run to her for comfort now when I can’t find the strength within myself to comfort myself on my own. And like always she was there for me. Thank you Jo-jo.
It amazes me how you easily rescue me from feelings of sadness and apathy. And you are right, love seems like it should easy but it isn’t and it’s not fair. I hate having to wait and I’m growing impatient on calling someone my own. Nothing can hide the silent heartache.
With wanting him to show me a sign of something I can’t help this feeling of fear and feeling I am going nowhere. I know what I saw and it wasn’t at all what I wanted it to be. But people are also telling me not to get too upset and that it could be nothing. It was a shot in the dark and I had fallen too fast and woke up to find myself hurting like hell. Maybe he will see how much his love means to me before too long and will come back to me to stay. I'm still praying to the Angels above as my tears continue to fall.
He… I… just... oh forget it. If we get much closer I could lose control – Every time I think about him I remember the song Open Arms by Journey.
And then last night I slipped back into my old self and did the one thing I swore I would never do. I broke my promises to you, and you, and even YOU. I broke my promise even to myself.
I could have swore I told you all a long time ago if I started getting down and depressed that you had to slap me back into reality. Why are you slacking? You’re not allowed to droop on the performance of your job. You’re fired.
Well crap I was on a great mind roll here and lost everything I wanted to say- piss. So I guess I will leave you with my latest poem I wrote to someone special. She knows who she is….
You entered my life when I was feeling weak
When my world was fading
Where everything was desolate
My misery accepted your company with open arms
Never thinking you would accept me so soon
As images of you danced in my dreams
My days became brighter
Wishing on stars, fastened to broken dreams
I used to envision your smile and eyes shining
As my heart tapped to a silent reverie
As your love and compassion
Seeped through to the very core of my sensitivity
From the beginning to now, and first to last
I embraced your words all the way through; wishing
I could grasp each and every one and hold them in my arms
Singing as the Angels cried
You never failed to be in attendance when I called for you
Sending me your silent messages on angelic wings,
I reached for you until I felt you hold me close
Breathing existence into my lungs
In anticipation of feeling your lyrics fire through my veins
Like a jolt of electrical energy
Bringing life to my broken passages
Listening to your emotions
Spill out to me in overflowing magnificence
Your expressions shake my world
From the words you have spoken
Trickling along my hearts beating tempo
Taking away my pain
As the throbbing inside reduces to tenderness
Whilst sweeping away my cupboards of shame
© Chrissy Carlsile, 2003.